Not anyone in my family knows I was diagnosed with mental illness. My parents knew I always went for an appointment with my ‘green book’ but they thought I was just seeking for sleeping pills as I told them I had trouble sleeping.
In conjunction with World Mental Health Day, Natural Health spoke to a spirited and strong-willed woman with a lovable personality that is hidden behind her charmed smile about the stigma of mental illness
Mental illness is still remained a taboo topic to be discussed openly in public. Some may accept this illness as an “illness” but some may make fun of it. We have to acknowledge that Malaysians have a long way to go to create awareness regarding this issue. Not many able to openly tell even to their own family members what they are suffering and this leads them to follow the voice inside their head, the suicidal thought.
J (not a real name) has agreed to share about her journey in seeking peace of mind when the psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety and depression. It is all started when she went to see a psychiatrist in 2016 and the doctor prescribed her with risperidone medicine to calm “the voice” inside her head.
1. When was the first time you realised you are suffering from the illness?
I can’t remember the exact time but since my secondary school, I started to cut myself. The feeling of loneliness, useless, constant sorrow and despair were all over me. At first, I thought the occurrence was due to imbalance hormone. I felt anxious, hot-tempered and started to lose focus on my study. To add salt to the injury, I had a friend who bullied me mentally. She knew I was afraid to lose her as a friend, so she started to ordered me to do this and that like I was her servant. And silly me, I still followed what she had asked me to do. I changed my favourite courses, I quitted my favourite sport, and I left my childhood friends just for her. I believed, she was the one who awoke the “demon” inside me. Before the Malaysian Certificate of Education (SPM) started, I got a panic attack and I was barely breathing. My mom came to get me from school and brought me to the hospital. Two days of not sleeping, not eating, no bathing, and worst, not feeling anything at all. That time was the first time I welcome my death. I was accepting if God could just take my life. I was alive yet dying.
2. What was the scariest episode that sinks you down to the lowest point in your life?
I was unemployed for almost two years and over-thinking took over me. “Parents getting old” “parents unhappy” “not enough money” “how about my little brother?” these thoughts were strangling me. I was beyond frustrated, I was melancholy. I lost 10 kg in just one month. I’ve been to more than ten job interviews, all got rejected. So, unconsciously, I have already awakened the “demon” again. But this time, it’s even worst. I started to hear a voice inside my head which I didn’t know either it was mine, or others. The ideation of suicide in 2016-2017 was three in total. You don’t know how useless, unwanted and down I felt that time. Every breath I took was like a stab to my chest.
3. Do you receive any moral support from your family and friends?
Not anyone in my family knows I was diagnosed with mental illness. My parents knew I always went for an appointment with my “green book” but they thought I was just seeking for sleeping pills as I told them I had trouble sleeping. It’s not that I don’t want to tell the truth, but I just don’t want them to worry about me. They have struggled a lot, and I won’t let my problem to burden them even more. So, I have a few friends who I comfortably told them about my illness. But, they only know the surface of my suffering – 20% I would say. And the remaining 80% I just kept to myself. Because to be honest, I don’t really know what’s inside my head.
4. Do you seek any medical help?
Yes, I sought and still seeking until now. If not, I wonder if I still can share this with you.
5. What was on your mind, when the doctor diagnosed you?
Empty. I wasn’t feeling anything. My reaction was like depression is something as a common fever, “Oh, just depression.” Long after the diagnose, I started to realise that having a depression was a burden I have to bear for my whole life. Do you think there’s anyone who will hire a depressed person? What would my relatives, friends think about me? Would they call me as a crazy person? Will I kill someone? I was drowning with all these wild thoughts. At first, I just want to stop seeking medical help, hoping that my depression will slowly be gone, just like flu.
6. What’s your opinion on mental illness in Malaysia?
Malaysia still have a long way to go in terms of awareness. Some even make fun of this illness like it is something that everyone should laugh about. This is actually one of the reasons why I always prefer to keep things to myself. People would make fun of me and my family will have to bear the embarrassment.
I strongly believe that education on mental illness should be applied in every school, university, workplace and even the media. So that everyone is aware that mental illness is no different than any other diseases like fever, heart disease, cancer or hypertension. Remove the stigma barrier so that someone can cope with their illness, just like any other disease patients. I think when people see you as a normal individual and not from what you suffered can actually help you to cope and fight the illness directly or indirectly.
7. Mental illness is a no longer a taboo issue. But, do we really accept mental illness as an “illness”?
I think the stigma on mental illness is still strong, perhaps because lacks of education or media exposure that people tend to attach negative things to mental health – crazy, self-talking, murderous, dangerous and such things. Stigma not only affects people who seek treatment but also people who have thought to seek help. Stigma is indeed the obstacles for someone who is struggling with mental health.
8. Would you be opened about your current state to your colleagues or friends?
My closest friends yes, but my colleagues, I don’t think so. For me, work and personal are two things that you can’t put together. I don’t think my colleagues care enough for my struggle. Even if you are surrounded with friends, you can’t trust them 100%. They might be the one who backstabbed you and take the light on your face again.
9. What are some things that really helped?
The only thing that keeps me alive until today is my family. I was born with an average family. Since I was a kid, I always wanted to make my parents to have a great life. I wanted to be responsible for their happiness since I am the eldest. I also have one little brother, and he is autistic. So, I just don’t want to disappoint them.
I studied hard, achieved great score, and hope for the best future out there. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always have good chapter. Besides family and friends; things that really help are good music, expressing my misery through writing poem, drawing and soul-searching (citing the Quran and talk to God).
10. Have you had any thought to do something crazy in your life?
Suicidal – The ideation was there, the execution, almost. Die, not yet. Also, I still have scars on my left arm where I cut myself more than ten years ago. Sounds like I’m so proud of it, but trust me, every time I saw those scars it reminds me of the suffering; asphyxiation.
11. Any advice you would like to give to others who are fighting with mental illness?
Acceptance. First of all, you have to admit that you actually have the illness. I sometimes question, “why me?” But then, I realised “why can’t I?” If you can’t accept yourself, who will?
Second, try to seek help. I know, you’ll feel lonely and left out, you’ll feel like no one can help you, but trust me, seeking help will ease your pain. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all done that, so please help yourself by seeking help from the expert.
Third, try to do something that you love to distract yourself from the sorrow you felt. Look for something to express your feeling, your agony. Good music, arts, exercise and many more can ease your burden. It won’t cure your disease entirely, but it will help you feel at ease.
I still remember that day, when I’ve given up to live. “They” wanted me to die, “they” said i never deserve to be born. I saw them at the end of my bed. They were screaming, yelling, laughing and detesting me. “You’re not worth living, everything you do, you’ll end up failing”. I said to myself “let them win this time, let me die tonight, I surrender. I can’t take this anymore this is too much.” My brain about to explode but I can’t move. I saw my friends coming, I wanted to let them know the despair that I felt, I wanted them to kill me right away so I can end all those miseries. But, I can’t talk. One minute was like a year to me. I was tortured, “they” conquered everything in me. I can see “them” looking at me with a very spine-chilling eye…
– J wrote this poem when she had the suicidal thought last year
